is it even possible?

my poor husband.
he got an earful from me tonight.
i hate when those i love are hurting, and i let him know it.
i usually try to help my kids use a different word than "hate"....but sometimes it just fits.
i hate how just when we think we have conquered something, that is when the enemy comes lurking in our business....do you know what i am saying here?
i hate when just when i feel like i've let go of trying to grapple for control of things out of my department, i am RIGHT BACK WHERE I STARTED.
let down.

i read my sons the story of Isaac and Jacob last night.
out of this story book bible.
i can't stop thinking about it.
it was a strange moment,  telling them about how God wanted Isaac to be willing to kill his son.
He didn't want Jacob to die.
He just wanted Isaac to be willing to let go control of anything.
to push aside reason, and trade it for faith.
and kill his son.

i want to have a say and an understanding and a part in many things.
my kids feelings and faith, my husbands love for me, my sister's happiness, my family's behavior, my place in my family, my future, the way people view me, my walk with the Lord, my time....i could go on and on.
you might use the word...control.
when am i gonna learn?
when am i gonna lay aside reason?
when am i gonna turn to the Lord's voice FIRST instead of as a final resort?
when i am mad and want to explain the reason why someone's sin is NOT o.k. with me.
when i want to "solve the problem" of my, or my friend, or my sister's pain?
when will i remember who the enemy really is?
and face that?
the enemy always wants to get me to that frazzled,
heart pumping, hands shaking, foggy place.
and i am embarrassed at how easy it is to get me there!

jacob was isaac's "anything".
he was isaac's promise.
he was isaac's connection to the larger story.
i can see how he'd want to hold onto that. tight.
but he had to be willing to let go.

is it even possible?
i want to listen to God's voice over all others.
i want to be brave when He asks me to be.
i want to find my humble place when that is required of me.
i want to be willing to let go of control and push aside common sense, and be a follower of Him.
no longer grappling for control.


  1. um this post is awesome, u constantly rock my world!!!!!! thanks friend!!!

  2. I struggle with this daily. I am slowly learning what it means to let go...but it's so hard. I also love taking control of things and trying to make things go my way...and every time I do...they just fall apart. God's ways are best and I have to hold onto that. Thanks for posting this!

  3. You have no idea how much I needed to read these words this morning. God is good.

  4. a)i cry when i read the story book bible to my son. that book is incredible.

    b)yes and amen. i feel the same way...i really love control. i hoard it often. and lots of times i get shaken into the realization that i'm not. it hurts. but it's good...

    c) thanks for your honesty. a lot of people won't share stuff like this on the "intranet".

  5. i feel you ... 1Cor. 10:13 starts out, "No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man;....." meaning, we all suffer the same, maybe not in the same way but the same stuff comes up over & over .... so, 1) you know you are not alone and 2) hang in there - call His name first, Jesus wants us to go to Him FIRST, before the next thought even comes into our minds & He is there to rescue us from whatever!

    i've been perusing your blog & you & your family are adorable, precious & so much further ahead of me than when i was your age....

    we are going to have bad days - not to be negative (cuz i'm an optimist) but i personally have more bad days than 'good.'

    at 53 ... (ugh) i'm learning to seek Him first, then all else falls into place.

    forget yesterday, live for today & look forward to tomorrow (so cliche) but even our plans go awry & we freak out, cuz we don't take His word seriously ...

    omgosh - i don't want to preach! there's bad, good & in between but that JOY all tucked away next to the PEACE in that little cushion of your soul, is there.... tap into it - it's His special gift to you.

    and yes, that story of Isaac & Jacob - rips at my heart - i've lost a son to Heaven & would always tell God, "I'm not Isaac, I'm not like him, I can't!" but the blessing in our obedience is astounding & that acceptance brings such peace.... anyway,

    as my cute hub always says, "it'll be ok." and it will. We win in the end... and then we'll sit, sipping our coffee in Heaven, discussing all this :)


  6. i like to control my surroundings too.
    i said to my friend (and i was serious) "i just want to be around people i like and enjoy and not have anything to do with the others" and she said "well wouldn't that be nice?! how unrealistic of you." and i looked at her surprised. and realized i really thought that.
    God gives us all kinds of people and situations so that we have got to come back to HIM again and again....for guidance, patience, meekness, love, forgiveness and on and on.
    but i still wish i could just be my happy self and remove anyone not part of my plan. :) how not Godly of me.

  7. Some great food for thought in this post- I am happy I read it-just what I needed today!
    I also like that your blog matches mine (from Shabby)- except that mine is pink right now in honor of Valentines Day!

  8. This is such a beautiful and heartfelt post. The other day I read through the whole Jesus Storybook Bible and balled my eyes out. My kids love it. I love it. It speaks to my soul. It reminds me of the Greater Story that my life is being woven into. Because we all need a Rescuer--especially I do! And most often I need Him to rescue me from myself. and I think I could go on and on and I should probably just write a post about it... :)

  9. i love this. the storybook bible always makes me cry. i love your heart. as always. these are feelings i feel so much lately too.

  10. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I am so struggling with control of my children too. And it's sooooo hard. I cannot imagine entirely giving up control of everything, even my kids. Even though that's exactly what I want & need to do for my God. I just get in the way.