is it even possible?

my poor husband.
he got an earful from me tonight.
i hate when those i love are hurting, and i let him know it.
i usually try to help my kids use a different word than "hate"....but sometimes it just fits.
i hate how just when we think we have conquered something, that is when the enemy comes lurking in our business....do you know what i am saying here?
i hate when just when i feel like i've let go of trying to grapple for control of things out of my department, i am RIGHT BACK WHERE I STARTED.
disappointed.
angry.
let down.
hurt.

i read my sons the story of Isaac and Jacob last night.
out of this story book bible.
i can't stop thinking about it.
it was a strange moment,  telling them about how God wanted Isaac to be willing to kill his son.
He didn't want Jacob to die.
He just wanted Isaac to be willing to let go control of anything.
to push aside reason, and trade it for faith.
and kill his son.

i want to have a say and an understanding and a part in many things.
my kids feelings and faith, my husbands love for me, my sister's happiness, my family's behavior, my place in my family, my future, the way people view me, my walk with the Lord, my time....i could go on and on.
you might use the word...control.

when am i gonna learn?
when am i gonna lay aside reason?
when am i gonna turn to the Lord's voice FIRST instead of as a final resort?
when i am mad and want to explain the reason why someone's sin is NOT o.k. with me.
when i want to "solve the problem" of my, or my friend, or my sister's pain?
when will i remember who the enemy really is?
and face that?
the enemy always wants to get me to that frazzled,
heart pumping, hands shaking, foggy place.
and i am embarrassed at how easy it is to get me there!


jacob was isaac's "anything".
he was isaac's promise.
he was isaac's connection to the larger story.
i can see how he'd want to hold onto that. tight.
but he had to be willing to let go.

is it even possible?
i want to listen to God's voice over all others.
i want to be brave when He asks me to be.
i want to find my humble place when that is required of me.
i want to be willing to let go of control and push aside common sense, and be a follower of Him.
no longer grappling for control.
free.