tune my heart

it's six am and i just threw my covers off and "speed walked" down here to try to get this swirling thought out.
written down.
jake is in my bed since he had nightmares and ella will be down here asking questions and talking a mile a minute if she hears one peep.
so I'm quiet as a mouse.

i've been struggling with something for a while.
something about my pre-conceived notion of what worship is.
as much as i'd like to say i've understood it, since i was raised in a family of worship leaders and was one myself, i think i've never really gotten it.
i've thought of it as something that i can make happen.
i can start and stop.
i can decide to sing a song, and as a result, Jesus is praised.
but as i lay in bed this morning thinking about it, one of my favorite songs was circling.
tune my heart...
tune my heart...
tune my heart to sing thy praise
i sometimes want to think that's about singing.
after all, i know how to sing.
i sound pretty good.
that's a pretty nice offering.
but what it really means, to me, is that there is praise and worship and adoration always flowing up to the one...
the one who this is all about.
I am.
its always surrounding me, this thing called worship.
in love and sunsets and smiles from my innocent children and selfless giving and kindness and mercy from others, in colors and rain and christmas and families and art and the crashing ocean and the millions of different rocks and snowflakes and stars....
and i get to decide if i am going to tune my heart to that song. to that beauty that is happening.
its happening whether i tune in or not.
it's not "god in my living, god in my breathing"
it's, "do i want to join in with HIS living and breathing?"

my recent struggle has been trying to get rid of the idea that this tuning in has to involve music in some way.
or that worship is synonymous with music played for the purpose of God's people singing along.
i know, some of you may think it's crazy that i thought that.
but i did and still do sometimes.
i start to forget that although it is lovely and good to sing (or play) a song of praise it is only one tiny tiny teeny tiny way to give back to the Lord what he has given you.
what has he given me in particular?
what has he given you?
a eye for beauty?
a good relationship?
someone who loves you?
a child?
a voice?
a musical ear?
rhythm?
a husband?
a talent?
patience?
forgiveness?
organizational skills?
a listening heart?
all these things are gifts and they may or may not be able to be summed up with some other person's idea of a beautiful song.
so when i go to church on sunday mornings lately, honestly, i'm a bit of a struggler.
a lot of times i sit there, feeling detached.
i know, i know all you worship leaders cringe and that "sitting girl".
i know, because I've seen that person too.
but here's my thing, i am not protesting worship music, i am just finally understanding that that 20 minutes is not even close to "it" for worshiping I AM.
and it disappoints me to think of how that sweet time of people, up on stage, sharing what God has given them is misinterpreted by me and maybe others too as "it" for us all.
as if, if we just leave all that's us behind we can participate in their special talent.
those people have, maybe, been led by God for a season of giving to Him their music by sharing on sunday morning.
that is lovely.
seeing someone obey and follow Him is lovely.
why is it that it sometimes seems that we only have that one way of worshiping Him at all our churches?
why aren't other forms of obedience displayed?
or, why i am i not noticing it?
why isn't someone sharing their non musical worship?
a painting
a photograph
a child
a relationship
a creation
a blog
a clean house
an obedience that was scary


i know that sharing other things is not the norm and that music and singing is the acceptable form of worship on a sunday morning...
but i just woke up thinking...why, again is that?

i guess the danger in this line of thinking is that i'd get annoyed with the very narrow idea of worship that i may have allowed myself to go with and push away all things and people related to it.
but instead of doing that, i just want to remember what "it" really is.
it's not what i sometimes allow myself to think.
His grace will be sung no matter what.
the real choice is whether or not i will tune in to the earth calling out for Him and choose to participate.
in my way.
with the gifts he's so generously given me.
so that i can sing his grace.
and i can dance and dodge and spin and circle around all the confusion and pain and temptation that my be thrown my way.
and i can tune in to seeing others trying to do the same.
they may be up on a stage.
 they may be helping me clean my house every other week.
they may want to share calico critters with me.
they may want to be given a simple chore to help.
they may help me sort out messes i've made.
they may inspire me to see things differently than i do.
 they may be searching for what exact gift they have to give back to the ONE.
and they are looking for worship.
struggling and sliding up to that note of perfect grace.
when we each realize our gifts and then return them to their giver, it's like a little taste of heaven.
there we will be perfectly tuned for all time.

(this is a little risky to share.
i hope you understand me.
i hope you know i love music.
i hope you are loving me through this growing that my little tiny heart is doing.
i hope you can have grace for me if anything came out wrong and seemed judgmental.
i am sorting.
i am learning.
i have a ways to go....
thanks for listening.)