"i'm different than other children"

this is actually NOT ella and i....it's my mom and i

"i'm different than other children"

my mother told me she remembered thinking this thought as a child.
she thought she spent more time thinking deep thoughts than others.
and it turned into a way i'd sometimes tease her when i was a teenager.
she'd tell me what she thought about something and, if it seemed a little crazy to me, i'd quote her "i'm different" speech.
it bugged her.
in a good way.
in a way that'd make her laugh and punch my arm.

but now...of course...i think a lot about that speech.
i sometimes think, "i'm different than other mothers"
not like better....
just different.
there's this thing, this feeling, that most seem to have toward their kids.
it's an understood connection between most moms.
something that i don't have.

it's like like this...
"don't grow up! stay small and just as you are forever!"
now, i'm not saying i don't get this.
in fact, if i sit here and really think about never having a tiny baby again or never helping another child wiggle their first tooth again or never having them grab one finger with their tiny baby grip, i can freak myself out.

but, i do feel like i lack that thing that connects everyone else.
that, "noooooo!" feeling as i leave behind phases of baby and child hood.
i've thought about all of this a lot.
and, being me, tried to figure out why i am how i am.
i thought maybe it's because my kids are all pretty close in age and as one is phasing out of a stage the other is just getting started?
i thought it might still be coming and maybe your youngest has to be in kindergarten for it to happen?
i thought i might be heartless and stupid?
i thought i might be too eager for the next thing?

but this is what i really think it comes down to.
it is really hard for me to imagine getting to my fifties.
not in like a morbid, doomsday way.
in a practical, just a "needing a mental picture and example that is close to me so i can imagine it" way.

so, there is this part of me that i think just tries to raise my kids the very best i can with this unspoken attitude of "i better just enjoy what i can and do what i can for my kids since i'm outta here by 47...".
each new phase is one step closer to them being able to be ok with out me?
each lesson learned is a box checked off?
each year older is me taking sigh a relief that i'm still here with them?
each milestone passed is one that i got to see and be their mother for?

i'm not saying this is healthy.
i'm just sorting myself out here.

so because of all this particular craziness in my head, i think opposite "than other mothers".
not right there in the front of my mind, but somewhere back there underneath the brokeness and pain.
i think...grow big and strong.
i think...soak up everything i can help you with.
i think...don't ever forget my love for you.
i think...learn to help each other and remember that someday you will need each other, when i'm gone.
i think...i want to build a wall of protection around you to shield you from loss.

and, like most personal issues that i deal with, it all comes down to faith.
do i have faith in God's ways over my ideas?
do i really think that i can manage myself and my family so that, heaven forbid, i leave them early, it wouldn't hurt them as bad as it hurt my family when we lost our mother?
do i really want to wish away anything if it is part of god's allowance to mold my favorite people, his beloved children into men and women that please him?

so, there's some food for thought for you today....
and if, by chance, next time we are having lunch or hanging out at the park, i look at you with a blank stare when you want to exclaim about how you want your kids to be babies forever....you'll know that i'm not being a jerk, it's just that "i'm not like other children"... and you can just pat me on my little confused head.