5.18.2013

i'm going with that, a leap of faith


my life has never been this full.
this recent shift in my jobs, where, already seemingly busy, i've taken on yet another role with my children is breathtakingly....full.
i wake up each morning and spend every waking hour with my children.
i give them every meal, i teach them to take care of what we have, i teach them to take care of their bodies, i teach them their school work, i teach them to treat each other with kindness, i teach them how to manage their time.....all day. everyday.
those of you who still send your children off and miss them while they are gone for 6 or 7 hours, 
you have a different can of worms, but this is mine.
it is lovely in it's way.
as lovely as a can of worms can be.
but it is truly all i can manage.
it's a struggle to do any "me things".
and it feels right to just stop struggling and let that go for now.
it seems completely off priority to think about making many friends.
i look at other ladies who fit in those things and its hard to imagine being there.
i have my jobs, i have my children, i have my husband, and i have my slowly becoming neglected friendships with my close friends and sisters and i can barely even do this.


 this chapter is temporary, i know.
which keeps me from panicking,
from worrying too much about all the things that surely i should be striving for.

it feels like faith
to keep leaning in to something that on paper doesn't seem to add up.
to just trust that my needs will be provided for.
even when i can't really imagine what that might look like.
to believe that i am seen, right here, in this unique place and provisions are being made for my life.
that i am special to someone.



 some of you may hear my words and see my place and remember what it was like back when, and sigh with nostalgia and a little understanding
some may be mystified
still, some have even told me that they could not do what i am doing
that they are not cut out for....
homeschooling, being a parent, picking up and moving far away
and to you i say, "neither am i"


i'm just doing it.
i'm leaning into something that doesn't seem to add up
i'm not cut out for this.


at times i am in awe of the beauty of this great, painfully beautiful responsibility.
and other times i just wish to hide. 
to get a break.
 to have my mommy come and take over my job so i can be a babygirl  just one more time.


but,
one thing i do know is that i"ll wake up a few hours from now and help my kids build a fort that they can listen to their audiobook of "the hobbit" in, and i will do some laundry, and i will wait for reedo to return from his business trip, and i will debate with myself whether or not it's worth it to apply eyeliner when no one but i really notice it, i will do some dishes, and i will pick up 52 things left on the ground or out of place, and maybe plant some flowers while the kids ride their bikes in the front yard.
and my day will fly by, and i'll wonder what i even did.
and i'll just have to trust that that little non-eventful saturday will be added to others like it as well as the hundreds of other days and weeks and years and that it will mean something to someone.
yep, i'm going with that.

19 comments:

  1. You'll be blessed for being faithful in even the smallest, most mundane tasks. Its so hard to know that when you wonder if what you're doing even matters. But when no one else sees, He sees. Have a wonderful weekend=)

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  2. I feel exactly. the. same. It's hard. But it's good, right?

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  3. Motherhood truly is a labor of love....hands down, it's the hardest thing I've ever done. :-) You seem to have such a big and loving heart. I'm sure your children love and appreciate all that you do for them---but, one day when they are grown, these sacrifices that you made for them will have even greater meaning. They are blessed to have you as their mama.

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  4. I love this post, Shauna.
    I thought about you on my crappy Mother's Day. How was yours?

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  5. I love this: "neither am I."

    Isn't that the truth? I've thought a lot about people saying things like, I could never do that. And you know what, it diminishes their own strength as well as the sacrifice of those who have or are doing it.

    Thanks for sharing your journey with me. I've had very, very similar thoughts lately. I love your perspective. Thank you.

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  6. i love love love your posts...and wish i could be a baby girl again so many times! love that sweet pic of ella reading!

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  7. wow... with tears in my eyes... i can say i completely and wholly relate.
    hugs and prayers for you. (even though i know you're not a hugger)

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  8. Love your words. Thanks for sharing your heart :)

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  9. this is so true. This is our first year homeschooling also. while there is lots I could say on that, I won't. Other then I too want to hide most days. I wanted to tell you I follow ruby ellen of cakies, and in her schoolroom she has the most awesome sign that says " I can't do this, but I am doing it anyway". Isn't that so true. It is for me at least! Anyhow, love loved your post. love your way with words.

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  10. Heartfelt and beautiful, Shauna.
    I wouldn't expect anything less.

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  11. So real. Love it. Thanks for putting it up for all of us to read and gain from.

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  12. you are wise, mama. to see beyond this moment and the pain. love to you.

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  13. so good. thanks for sharing these beautiful words. they're for me today. XOXO

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  14. Someone is definitely watching you and He is so proud of you for walking by faith and not by sight.

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  15. Loved loved loved this post. p.s. I haven't visited your blog in awhile (I had MY first baby 6 months ago and boy, they take away free time for blog-reading ;)...and like before, I love your blog and your honest thoughts. xx

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  16. I am thinking of you Shauna, in your crazy world, doing your crazy busy stuff.

    And I remember when I didn't have time to even put on eyeliner.

    Just remember 'it too shall pass'.

    Thinking of you xo

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  17. “It always seems impossible until it's done.” Nelson Mandela

    I had a shift of consciousness in my life and that is when I found your blog - not a coincidence. You are carving out your life step by step and that is never easy. It's the small things that drive us crazy and keep us sane in the same breath. It's hard and I hear you - not that I know what your experience is like but that I have my own trials and triumphs. I curl up and cry one moment then count my blessing the next. I can read stories like this and think to myself I'm not alone. Other Mothers struggle like I struggle. It's unifying. Thank you for sharing your ongoing story.

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