i needed a break.

i just went over a week with no post.
reedo was out of town for the week (that doesn't happen much)
and i am glad he's back because i always stay up WAY to late when he's gone, freaking myself out.
you know, listening to every sound in the house and making sure my pepper spray is in my nightstand(so dumb, i know).

well, i had a bunch of time to be on my own with my big girl thoughts and i reallllly needed it.
but, one thing that surprised me was that i didn't go on the computer at all.
i wasn't even trying to do that, i just didn't feel interested.
strange, huh?
since i was on my own so much?

but i feel like God was speaking something to me.
he was showing me that all the stuff i do online, blogging, pinterest, reading blogs, shopping (rarely), instagram....many times are where i go when my husband is so tired after work that he collapses in front of the tv.
it's like plan b for grownup social interaction.
now, this isn't a "bitch about him vegging" post.
it really isn't.
i don't think that's what God wanted me to get out of this revelation.
i really think God wanted me to inspect my own interpretations of my husbands actions.
i mean, my own hurt about it.
i realized that every time he chooses to sit down and tune out for an evening, i feel hurt and bitter.
and then instead of remembering who i am, i start to make up a story.
that my husband doesn't like me.
that, of all that things to do in the world, he'd rather ignore me.
and that i am this....victim.
and then with that pouty attitude i do something else...
well, i think you can see that reality is being stretched and reshaped into discouragement for me.
(and we all know that the enemy loves to do that!)

i think that once i had a break from this habit that has been being formed, i saw that i needed relief from that hurt.
i needed to realize what was going on so that i could begin to fight those lies in my own heart regardless of what my husband can or can't change.

now of course i did share this with him, which, as you can imagine, wasn't completely smooth.
but it wasn't bad either, since i wasn't really asking him for anything.
i was just processing.
.....well, maybe a part of me was hoping that he would be able to help by not being tired anymore...but i'm pretty sure we can't really do much about that....and even if we could it's possible that it would just cover up the real problem.
the problem of me forgetting who i am and why, unless someone else is validating it.
and that just points me right to the truth that i am always seeing repeated in my life.
over and over.
that there are challenges, that are different levels of hard, all around me.
and i can start to trick myself into thinking that Jesus wants me to be happy and in an ideal situation all the time.
and that i should just pray for whatever my idea of resolution is for the problematic circumstances.
but that is just a trick.

Jesus wants me to be be HIS.
Jesus wants me to be free so that i can really serve him and represent him.
so in order to turn silly little me into that oak of righteousness he's gotta train me....deep breath....with pain.
loneliness ---(turn to Me, daughter)
heart break ---(take My joy, daughter)
anger ---(what are you really entitled to, with out Me, babygirl?)
mistakes (see? you aren't the perfect first born rule keeper that you sometimes seem to try to be...but that's ok, sugar plum, because I still love you and I already did all the perfect stuff in your place)
fear---(do you believe that I love you or not? huh? huh? answer me please.)

i do completely realize that this mentality goes against what seems like common sense.
to lean into pain instead of avoid it?
it's crazy talk.
i think i'm a little crazy though, because it's the only thing that works for me!

So then (because this is the way God likes to talk to me....where he tells me the same thing from like 42 different angles so that i can't try and wiggle out of it by thinking it wasn't really his voice) i find this under my fridge.

the corner just sticking out like it fell under there who-knows-when.
i wrote this in elementary school sometime, i guess.
embarrassing huh?
that Jesus would have to KEEP TELLING ME the same thing for so many years.
over and over.
and i am SURE that i STILL don't get it, either.
that Guy has shocking patience.
(ha ha!  i've never called Him a "guy"before, but i'm sure He gets what i'm saying.)

there are many times that i come out of a situation like this and feel too mad at my husband to trust myself to share it with you.
do you  know what i mean?
complaining about my marriage, to the world, is not what i'm about.
but i thought this particular realization was really pretty much mine to share.
my husband is a person, and he's not perfect, but that is not the issue here.
i have been the issue with this hurt.
i have decided to believe something that isn't true.
i have decided to forget who i am and who tells me my worth.

and now, i want to stop.

i wonder if this means that anything will change, besides my heart.

will i go on the computer less?
i have no idea.

will i blog less?
no clue.  since i don't think that anything that i do online is actually the issue.
i just need to get my motivation straight.
i know that.

...just thought i'd tell you what i've been doing with my week off of "the reed life".

and i want to end by telling you one more thing (oh my gosh wordiest post ever!)
that naturally i can be sorta reluctant to share all these words.
i guess there are a lot of reasons for that, good and bad.
but there are two ladies that really inspire me to push myself to share.
one is Leslie who is one of my best pals in real life.
(on a side note: she just started taking sponsors on her blog! you should sign up cause she's pretty great! check it out)
she hears all my words spilling out in a mess and encourages me to blog...even when it sorta bugs me because i don't really want to.
and the other is Jami, who i only have an online friendship with, but her honesty really inspires me to share what i can about my real relationships.
it doesn't have to be EVERYTHING.
just what's mine.
so thanks Leslie and Jami.
my relationships with each of you are so different, but i really value them.



ps. another thing that has spoke "volumes"(ha ha) to me this week has been these two books (below). i decided  to re-read this series and completely forgot how much i LOVED it!
i am telling they are so so so good. i think about them all day lately and feel them even changing my perspective on my life at times.

if you haven't read them, do it! you won't be sorry.
they are by Francine Rivers and they are the first two books of a trilogy (I'm still reading he last one) called "the mark of the lion trilogy".
best books EVER!
do you get it?
i like them.
the end.