4.24.2012

i needed a break.





i just went over a week with no post.
reedo was out of town for the week (that doesn't happen much)
and i am glad he's back because i always stay up WAY to late when he's gone, freaking myself out.
you know, listening to every sound in the house and making sure my pepper spray is in my nightstand(so dumb, i know).


well, i had a bunch of time to be on my own with my big girl thoughts and i reallllly needed it.
but, one thing that surprised me was that i didn't go on the computer at all.
i wasn't even trying to do that, i just didn't feel interested.
strange, huh?
since i was on my own so much?


but i feel like God was speaking something to me.
he was showing me that all the stuff i do online, blogging, pinterest, reading blogs, shopping (rarely), instagram....many times are where i go when my husband is so tired after work that he collapses in front of the tv.
it's like plan b for grownup social interaction.
now, this isn't a "bitch about him vegging" post.
it really isn't.
i don't think that's what God wanted me to get out of this revelation.
i really think God wanted me to inspect my own interpretations of my husbands actions.
i mean, my own hurt about it.
i realized that every time he chooses to sit down and tune out for an evening, i feel hurt and bitter.
and then instead of remembering who i am, i start to make up a story.
that my husband doesn't like me.
that, of all that things to do in the world, he'd rather ignore me.
and that i am this....victim.
and then with that pouty attitude i do something else...
well, i think you can see that reality is being stretched and reshaped into discouragement for me.
(and we all know that the enemy loves to do that!)


i think that once i had a break from this habit that has been being formed, i saw that i needed relief from that hurt.
i needed to realize what was going on so that i could begin to fight those lies in my own heart regardless of what my husband can or can't change.

now of course i did share this with him, which, as you can imagine, wasn't completely smooth.
but it wasn't bad either, since i wasn't really asking him for anything.
i was just processing.
.....well, maybe a part of me was hoping that he would be able to help by not being tired anymore...but i'm pretty sure we can't really do much about that....and even if we could it's possible that it would just cover up the real problem.
the problem of me forgetting who i am and why, unless someone else is validating it.
and that just points me right to the truth that i am always seeing repeated in my life.
over and over.
that there are challenges, that are different levels of hard, all around me.
and i can start to trick myself into thinking that Jesus wants me to be happy and in an ideal situation all the time.
and that i should just pray for whatever my idea of resolution is for the problematic circumstances.
but that is just a trick.

Jesus wants me to be be HIS.
Jesus wants me to be free so that i can really serve him and represent him.
so in order to turn silly little me into that oak of righteousness he's gotta train me....deep breath....with pain.
loneliness ---(turn to Me, daughter)
heart break ---(take My joy, daughter)
anger ---(what are you really entitled to, with out Me, babygirl?)
mistakes (see? you aren't the perfect first born rule keeper that you sometimes seem to try to be...but that's ok, sugar plum, because I still love you and I already did all the perfect stuff in your place)
fear---(do you believe that I love you or not? huh? huh? answer me please.)

i do completely realize that this mentality goes against what seems like common sense.
to lean into pain instead of avoid it?
it's crazy talk.
i think i'm a little crazy though, because it's the only thing that works for me!

So then (because this is the way God likes to talk to me....where he tells me the same thing from like 42 different angles so that i can't try and wiggle out of it by thinking it wasn't really his voice) i find this under my fridge.


the corner just sticking out like it fell under there who-knows-when.
i wrote this in elementary school sometime, i guess.
embarrassing huh?
that Jesus would have to KEEP TELLING ME the same thing for so many years.
over and over.
and i am SURE that i STILL don't get it, either.
that Guy has shocking patience.
(ha ha!  i've never called Him a "guy"before, but i'm sure He gets what i'm saying.)


there are many times that i come out of a situation like this and feel too mad at my husband to trust myself to share it with you.
do you  know what i mean?
complaining about my marriage, to the world, is not what i'm about.
but i thought this particular realization was really pretty much mine to share.
my husband is a person, and he's not perfect, but that is not the issue here.
i have been the issue with this hurt.
i have decided to believe something that isn't true.
i have decided to forget who i am and who tells me my worth.

and now, i want to stop.


i wonder if this means that anything will change, besides my heart.

will i go on the computer less?
i have no idea.

will i blog less?
no clue.  since i don't think that anything that i do online is actually the issue.
i just need to get my motivation straight.
i know that.

...just thought i'd tell you what i've been doing with my week off of "the reed life".


and i want to end by telling you one more thing (oh my gosh wordiest post ever!)
that naturally i can be sorta reluctant to share all these words.
i guess there are a lot of reasons for that, good and bad.
but there are two ladies that really inspire me to push myself to share.
one is Leslie who is one of my best pals in real life.
(on a side note: she just started taking sponsors on her blog! you should sign up cause she's pretty great! check it out)
she hears all my words spilling out in a mess and encourages me to blog...even when it sorta bugs me because i don't really want to.
and the other is Jami, who i only have an online friendship with, but her honesty really inspires me to share what i can about my real relationships.
it doesn't have to be EVERYTHING.
just what's mine.
so thanks Leslie and Jami.
my relationships with each of you are so different, but i really value them.



ps. another thing that has spoke "volumes"(ha ha) to me this week has been these two books (below). i decided  to re-read this series and completely forgot how much i LOVED it!
i am telling they are so so so good. i think about them all day lately and feel them even changing my perspective on my life at times.
if you haven't read them, do it! you won't be sorry.
they are by Francine Rivers and they are the first two books of a trilogy (I'm still reading he last one) called "the mark of the lion trilogy".
best books EVER!
do you get it?
i like them.
the end.
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22 comments:

  1. Rose D., Frenchtown, NJApril 24, 2012 at 1:39 PM

    Okay, so I start reading this and feel as though I could have written this myself!!! Thank you for being YOU. You put it all out there and you make us feel like we're not the only ones who feel this way...When my hubby comes home late at night he sometimes chooses to sit with the littles and play Angry Birds on their Kindles, I go absolutely MAD!!!!! He's gone all day and wants to play Angry Birds and not want to hang with ME????? Those are the nights that I retreat to my studio and create...Okay, sometimes I yell first, but I'm only human. God Bless you sweet Lady!!! I'm so lovin' your honesty... ~rose

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  2. it's so easy and tempting to write our stories the way we want to remember them. not the way they really happen. and lately, i've been convicted that it's such a disservice to our God as it doesn't allow people to see His work in our lives. it minimizes His power. many, years ago a pastor told me to preach the gospel to myself when the enemy tries to speak louder. like the note on your fridge, i always go back to it. love and appreciate the way you always keep it real, shauna.

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  3. Maybe it's just me, but I think God does the biggest work when we're willing to allow ourselves walk through the pain. I'm so glad you shared your heart on this, Shauna. I think it's something we can all relate to. Choosing to change when Jesus shows us we can. No matter how hard it is. You inspire me lady. Thank you for that.
    xo

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  4. you're so brave. I have a post very similar to this sitting my drafts and I was about to publish it today but got scared. it's all about the lies I believe, where they started, and how I've dealt with that over the years. i just didn't feel brave enough to publish. but I think now I do :) thank you for sharing what's yours. that's what I think I was scared of, people (mostly my inlaws & husbands family who read my blog) thinking I was sharing too much or blaming someone else for my life long struggles when I really know its my own issue. other people and situations do weave into it but it can all be easily healed if I just believe Jesus, every single day, every single time I try to "go there" in my mind. well anyway, I don't know if I just made much sense but I think you get it.

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  5. Thank you for your honesty and insight. You're amazing!

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  6. I love your honesty and vulnerability in this post. It is hard to put it out there_ to blog it out there. And oh the lies i have believed..embarrassing to even think about. thank you for this... it makes me want to take a deep breath and write.:)

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  7. man, do i ever just love your honesty.
    isn't it great when God nudges us like that?
    when we're actually opening our eyes to truth?
    as hard as it can be.
    at least you know that when you go through those difficult times, there's always a silver lining in it.
    God always has a plan... and that's feeling peace in and of itself.
    i know you're not a hugger... but dang girl... hugs to you!
    and i'm greatly inspired by YOU... leslie and jami too.
    you girls are all A+'s in my books.
    xo

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  8. and gosh... i have to add...
    i drive myself crazy with the paranoia when i'm home alone too.
    i get the WORST sleeps ever.
    i stay up way too late b/c i always hope that i'll fall asleep quicker so i'm not freaked out.
    but really, who am i kidding?
    whenever i go to bed, whether it's 10:30 or 2:30... i still take long to fall asleep when i'm home alone with my hubby.
    brutal!!!
    i hate that.

    (p.s. i still run quickly up from my basement b/c i'm scared someone is gonna pull my leg or something!!! ack!!)

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  9. Thank you for the beauty and honesty of this post.
    Frame that lovely piece of penmanship, will you?
    :)

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  10. hey, shauna.
    thank you. what you've shared here pierced my heart.
    i relate to every word.
    blogging about it will likely never happen(crazy inlaws), but i do journal!
    and you've really encouraged me tonight. that sounds so dumb to me, i just can't think of words right now, i guess.

    just thank you, i appreciate you.
    (and jami and leslie rock my socks, too...all y'all!)

    xo

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  11. Shauna, You really do have a great way of saying what many women, MYSELF included struggle with. I too have been really angry this week at my husband just not knowing that it really is within my own spirit that I am seeking validation in all the wrong places. God is doing a great work in our lives and we need to open our eyes and see His work, not our own. We are loved. Thank you for your honesty, it really does encourage and inspire me!

    Give me Jesus!

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  12. great, honest post! i really like your wordy posts! you inspire me to just be me because you are just you. thanks for that!
    and the mark of the lion series - it changed me, like really changed me. they are such good books!

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  13. kimberlee is right...that note to yourself....FRAME IT.
    do it.
    or print a canvas of your photo.
    :)
    shauna....i am so grateful to God for bringing you into my life.
    i need REAL, deep, thoughtful, truthful women in my life to keep me from focusing on myself.
    to remind me over again through their own struggles to focus on my God. that the things of this world are fleeting.
    thank you for being honest.
    big hugs.
    i like you a whole lot.

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  14. Hi Shauna, thanks for your honest post. I visit daily to see what new pictures you have posted and to see what new tidbit I can learn from you that day :) Thank you for the many reminders you have provided me (too many to list). I hope you don't start blogging less.

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  15. Great post, Shauna! I love your honesty and vulnerability! Those are qualities that most draw my heart to someone, and I think that's true for a lot of people! I'm getting to the place in my life where the only "real" picture of a follower of Jesus is me when I'm willing to be totally open about my process. To bring others into my wrestling and my weariness and my disappointment. I want to show people that following my Jesus is about a relationship...and all relationships take work...on my end, that is! He's the perfect friend...I'm a crappy one sometimes! HA! Love this post!
    And the third book in the Mark of the Lion series is my favorite!!! The power of the gospel to change lives...there's no great story written!!

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  16. I agree, best books ever, though my favorite Francine Rivers book is "Redeeming Love", amazing!

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  17. you are such a blessing to me.
    :)

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  18. I love that your heart tells you to take processing breaks. SO wise. And so exactly what Jesus " The Guy" would want from you.
    Marriage is work all the time. I'm just 2 years in and figured it out not long after I do. I have ideas of how it should work and he has ideas of how it should work and they don't always met in the middle. Bless you friend. Glad you shared this with us today! :)

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  19. 1. That photo of you in the gingham with the hankey thingamajig? Stunning.
    2. Yes, I know that's not the point here.
    3. I'm on a similar sidewalk, but in other areas. I'm learning so much about my tendency to turn elsewhere rather than to Him.
    4. I really like the way you express yourself. Lay it bare, sister. We get it.

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  20. i totally get it.
    i often get online in search for validation.
    but i know that jesus is the only one that has permission to do that. and that "Guy" is all jealous for me (us) and he never let's anyone take His place anyway. don't know when i'll learn to stop trying to find other things that will.

    how sweet that you found that note. God is good. he even makes old mercies new. i love Him for that.

    i haven't read the mark of the lion series, but i have been told too many times that i must.

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  21. oh you. i love your honesty. and damn. i'm flattered.

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