i am grateful for....

"maple leaves" (day 9)

ok. so it seems that many of you get fall at your house.

 by fall,  i mean colorful leaves and crisp air.

i don't.

but these maple leaf cookies almost make up for that.

almost.

but as i looked at this self portrait, i realized there are many unexpected things in it that i am thankful for.

the cookies, of course.

the color of my t-shirt.(target)

the fact that my nails look pretty good (thank you OPI gels)

my laugh lines (yah, you heard me right)

the fact that the dishes in the sink behind me are not stacked THAT high.

the way my momma stares right back at me in my eyes.

really.

to me, i look so much like her in this picture.

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and while on the subject of my mom, i just want to share.

lately, my kids are getting to the age where i start to remember being that age.

and with that i start to remember my mom's mothering at that age.

i know this may seem kinda funny and specific,

 but since i will always be processing her early death, these are the things i think about.

before this, i just had a general feeling about my mom and how she mothered me.

i couldn't remember exact conversations that we had when i was my kids age, since they were very little.(and i don't have lots of memories that far back)

 my memories were more of a big picture.

she was always there.

she was my best friend.

she loved me.

she was sometimes frustrated.

she was working hard.

but, now my everyday experiences are triggering more specifics.

i remember not eating my lunch at school and her reaction.

and i now have my own boy with the same issue, and my memories and my reality merge,

only i'm now on the other side.

this is felt the most with Jake (my seven year old) right now, since i have more memories of that general age.

his frustration and my reactions, his helpfulness as the oldest child.

they are all things i can remember going through with my mom.

I am sure it will be a another level once my daughter reaches this spot.

i think i have mentioned before, that i have come to understand that even though my mom is not living in this world with me, right now, my relationship to her is still evolving. 

as i reach milestones in my life and witness them in my sister's and brother's lives, i come to understand her more and more.

much of it is speculation on how she must have felt when faced with _____, and sometimes i want to scream from just needing to ask her what she thought about these new(to me) challenges.

does any of this make sense?

i just needed to get it out, so if i seems to all over the place and confusing, just click away.

for now, i will continue to watch the memories of my childhood collide with the real time happenings of my children and try to remember the good reactions that my mom had and try to filter out her not so ideal reactions.

i can only hope my kids will have the grace to do the same for me someday.

and i am hoping i will be around to talk about and maybe even apologize for some of my imperfect mommying.

ps. my mom would HATE the no capitals and questionable spelling on the reed life, but other than that, she'd love it.