missing my mom.....

When my mom died I wondered how I'd be able to get through big life altering events, like my kids births and my birthdays and even Christmas without her.

I thought I may be so overwhelmed with my own heart ache that I may not enjoy those special days.

But this is what I have learned so far.....

That IS NOT when I am thinking about my loss.

At Christmas I am thinking about JESUS! and my family and stressing about presents and food and stuff, honestly what mother isn't.

On the days my children were born I was in PAIN for reasons besides my heart being lonely for my mom. And also I was OVERJOYED at my babies and my husband and our family that God has had grace to bless us with.....

For me the hardest times, the ones where my soul is heavy and I have a hole in my heart that is shaped like my mom, always sneak up on me. They are moments when my eyes are opened a little bit more to who my mom was in my life. When I get to know this woman who gave up so much for me and I realize who she was in a new way......my understanding of her, and the love she had for me just hits me.

I came downstairs, today, to my Ty.

Underwear on backwards.

Standing on the stool in front of the sink.

"Doing your dishes, mom!"

Smile on his face.

Proud as can be.

I love this person.

He was loving me by doing this.

How many times must my mom have felt this way about me?

This overwhelming unexplainable love?

These are the moments that I wish I could have just an hour with her to close this incomplete circle by looking her in the eye and knowing that she see's Ty on the stool and knows JUST how I feel.

Really no words would be nessessary.

Just thinking about this idea makes me want to go lay down for a good cry.....

I guess what I am longing for is Heaven.