i have wanted to join your virtual coffee time for quite a while.
but there are a few reasons that i didn't.
1. i don't love being the new girl.
2. whenever i meet up with people i don't have a close relationship with, yet(and even some that i do), i often feel i dominate conversations with chatter.....so basically insecurity. i wish i was a better, more relaxed listener.
3. i don't like coffee.
4. the drink that i used to drink instead of coffee, is not normally even available in a coffee shop.
5. i wanted to loose those last 10 pounds before i met new friends....
.....ok ok, so it is revealed. these are all just dumb excuses.
so, i am trashing all those dumb excuses.
because some of them are solved.(ex: for #3 and #4, i drink tea now(not diet coke), so i can go to coffee shops with purpose.)
and because some of them are just ridiculous. (ex: #1 and #5)
and because some of them i want to overcome (ex: #2)
so, if we were really having coffee/tea today, i tell you that Ella and i are loving having our mornings back, just me and ella.
she is really so much more relaxed.
i say these same words every time we are deprived of our alone time, and the words get more and more true each time.
i love our time together.
that being said....sometimes it feels like i haven't been alone in like....seven years.
there is a growing part of me that craves a few hours everyday to not have to be in charge of someone else's body.
this isn't a new feeling, it is just bubbling bigger and bigger, each day, and as time goes by and there is no reprieve to this season of ALWAYS having a small body attached to me somehow, it grows and waits.
sometimes i feel like it's gonna explode and sometimes i forget about it all together.....
so is that too deep for a "first coffee date"?
um, anyway, i would also tell you that i got a rad new grill from my husbands parents for christmas(there that's a more mild subject...ha!)
it is tiny and made for indoors.
and it cooked steaks for reedo and i in 4 minutes last night!
then i cooked some zucchini in 4 more!
then if we were really having coffee, i'd show you this picture of me and my kids on new years....
look at those eyes.
i mean i like the picture,because i loved being with those guys on new years,
but i can really see the sickness in my eyes....i was still wrestling that cold,big time.
that makes me so thankful to be feeling better.
then, i'd probably try again to dig into deeper issues.
mention that my ideas for discipline and parenting are being challenged lately.
my boys are getting bigger.
they are changing.
i have really been trying to establish a normal (non-angry) routine for when my sons mis-behave, instead of always feeling like i am flying by the seat of my pants and managing their need for rules and boundaries.
this is hard.
i have a lot of fears.
mostly my fears are of making mistakes and being unfair.
fear of whether or not my father in heaven is looking at me with pity and disappointment or with pride.
i am working on examining myself....but many times i feel like a broken lady trying to lead 3 needy babies....
i want more for them, you know?
there are plenty of truths that are meant to comfort and encourage me in these fears, but right now i am just learning to feel my feelings and maybe even label them, before i can accept grace and healing for them.