{virtually} spent

hi friends.

i am spent.
i wish we were having coffee/tea right now.....on a big comfy couch....with peaceful music playing...will you hate me if i dose off for a while?
if we were in my little coffee time fantasy, i'd tell you that when it rains, it pours, and i just have so much emotional stuff on my heart right now.
a lot i can't really share since it isn't just my stuff and i can't just spill other people's business around.

but i will say this:
this weekend i had 2 heated family "discussions" both of which the other person was not happy with me. (exhausting!)

i also took jake, my oldest, to pack food bags for haiti and it was our first official church ministry time together. it really opened up the horizon, in my mind, for a new phase. where i am not chasing and picking up children, but where i am shepherding them in a different way.
I saw his servants heart and it touched me so much to think about getting to this "non-baby" phase where we can reach outside our family and be blessed in serving instead of managing a gaggle of small children all the time...can i get an amen?
 are following me here?

i have had the divorce of a family that has had a large part in my life burdening my soul.
i can't explain it.
their pain just sits in my heart, throbbing.
it's not my business.
but it hurts.

this week of the march, every year, i get a little too preoccupied with what was happening on the last week my mom was alive. she was so sick.  in some ways, it was the last week of my childhood.
i remember that she was having lots of different treatments and so she'd be on medications sometimes and that'd make her kinda out of it and loopy and even sorta funny sometimes. i came over to her house and went into her room and she acting like that and i chatted with her and came out snickering at her and asking my dad, "is she on a new medication? she seems super out of it..." and he looked sad and kinda like a deer caught in the headlights. he said to me,"honey, this  is getting near the end. that is what happens..."
i felt like someone kicked me in the stomach.....i was laughing.
i sat down and cried and cried and i think everyone was shocked since i hadn't been much of a crier until then....i remember there were people around...my dad and....my aunt and uncle? my sisters and brother? i don't know.
that is just a memory that won't go away.
and i will be driving or walking around my life and look up and realize that this year is nothing like that nightmare...it just makes me feeling doing the super ugly "snot pouring out" crying...
i just want to be alone for that.

ty keeps coming home from school and telling me different things that his friend does "on accident" that he doesn't like. like grab his yogurt and spill it all over or yell at him...nothing that is hideous, but still my radar is up for it turning into a stressful situation. i really like the mom. i don't want to go there...but i may have to say something. i already have once. arg.

so, as you can see, i am kinda a head case right now.
maybe you should be glad that our coffee date is {virtual}, so that you can avoid the snot bubbles.
ya, i think you should.

let me end on a good note, though.
look at this!!!!
i seriously love it.
(PS. thank you SO much for all your encouragement on ella's room in general!
you guys are getting me through a rough couple days!)

the words on the lamp are inspired by this passage from (you guessed it) "the jesus story book bible":

"God spoke. 

That's all. 

 And whatever he said, it happened.

God said, "Hello light! and light shone into the darkness. 

 God called the light, "Day" and the darkness, "Night."

"You're good," God said.  

And they were..."

need i say more?

God made light?

i think he's got a good grip on my life.

i know he has a handle on yours too.

thanks for {virtually}listening.

i am joining ( a little late) with Amy's {virtual coffee} today...