real paris love, not the perfect marriage

so here the honest truth.

being married is hard.

i feel, at times, mystified by the couples out there who seem to be perfectly matched.

when they pipe up saying that they married their best friend.

i don't know how to relate to it.

my husband is cute and sometimes funny and a hard worker and determined and sometimes doesn't like what i like and really organized and a little fancier than me and a bit perfectionistic and very active and super snuggly and sometimes hurting and so incredibly loving to our kids and at times tries to be thoughtful to me and sometimes he's my friend and sometimes he's not so much my friend.

if you asked him, he'd probably tell you that i am creative and messy, and full of ideas that many times don't make sense, and emotional and well intentioned and confusing and trying to do what i should and sometimes shy and not affectionate enough with him and in my own head a lot and talking frequently about heaven and "things that aren't here" and putting a great deal of my everyday effort into mothering and sometimes a woman he likes and sometimes a woman that frustrates him.

i love him so much and i am also hurt by him at times.

too often we are caught up in our jobs and forget how to be kind.

too often we just look out for our own interests in the giant mess.

we hurt each other.

it makes us both lonely sometimes, i think.

so there we are.

a very imperfect couple goes to paris.

it was beautiful.

i thought i'd have a little time on my own, but i was wrong.

we were together every minute.

and it turned out just right.

paris has few temptations to lure innocent mountain bikers away from wives.

and i didn't feel super confident on my own anyway (didn't want to get lost)

so we explored every place we could together.

he really wanted to see the louvre and Notre Dame.

i wanted to find some macaroons and this little antique shop i read about here.

we walked and walked.

i climbed the stairs of the Eiffel tower for him.

he walked BACK to the antique shop with cash for a painting for me.

we stopped for coffee whenever he wanted 

he took me to the flower stands and let me take pictures while he bought the tulips.

on this trip, we were friends.

and i think that i will have the memory and hopefulness of that in my heart for the days ahead that may not always be as "friendly"

life does go on.

and we are not on paris time anymore.

but i want to keep these photographs in my line of vision as much as i can.

and remember the gift of paris.

(there's a part of me that wanted to sum this whole thing up with a lesson. 

like giving your marriage over to the Lord.

or promising that Jesus has is all in his hands.

and while those ideas are true and helpful at times, i am not as much a teacher as i am someone who wants to share as much as i can and be as open as i can without violating another's trust, in the name of freeing anyone who has similar feelings and wants to feel not as alone.

thats why i'm sharing this personal business and that is also why i'm not trying to bring it all to a perfect synopsis. so, there you go. these photographs are the way that i personally deal with my feelings right now. and i assume i will have more to say as my life goes on.)