"i'm different than other children"

this is actually NOT ella and i....it's my mom and i

"i'm different than other children"

my mother told me she remembered thinking this thought as a child.
she thought she spent more time thinking deep thoughts than others.
and it turned into a way i'd sometimes tease her when i was a teenager.
she'd tell me what she thought about something and, if it seemed a little crazy to me, i'd quote her "i'm different" speech.
it bugged her.
in a good way.
in a way that'd make her laugh and punch my arm.

but now...of course...i think a lot about that speech.
i sometimes think, "i'm different than other mothers"
not like better....
just different.
there's this thing, this feeling, that most seem to have toward their kids.
it's an understood connection between most moms.
something that i don't have.

it's like like this...
"don't grow up! stay small and just as you are forever!"
now, i'm not saying i don't get this.
in fact, if i sit here and really think about never having a tiny baby again or never helping another child wiggle their first tooth again or never having them grab one finger with their tiny baby grip, i can freak myself out.

but, i do feel like i lack that thing that connects everyone else.
that, "noooooo!" feeling as i leave behind phases of baby and child hood.
i've thought about all of this a lot.
and, being me, tried to figure out why i am how i am.
i thought maybe it's because my kids are all pretty close in age and as one is phasing out of a stage the other is just getting started?
i thought it might still be coming and maybe your youngest has to be in kindergarten for it to happen?
i thought i might be heartless and stupid?
i thought i might be too eager for the next thing?

but this is what i really think it comes down to.
it is really hard for me to imagine getting to my fifties.
not in like a morbid, doomsday way.
in a practical, just a "needing a mental picture and example that is close to me so i can imagine it" way.

so, there is this part of me that i think just tries to raise my kids the very best i can with this unspoken attitude of "i better just enjoy what i can and do what i can for my kids since i'm outta here by 47...".
each new phase is one step closer to them being able to be ok with out me?
each lesson learned is a box checked off?
each year older is me taking sigh a relief that i'm still here with them?
each milestone passed is one that i got to see and be their mother for?

i'm not saying this is healthy.
i'm just sorting myself out here.

so because of all this particular craziness in my head, i think opposite "than other mothers".
not right there in the front of my mind, but somewhere back there underneath the brokeness and pain.
i think...grow big and strong.
i think...soak up everything i can help you with.
i think...don't ever forget my love for you.
i think...learn to help each other and remember that someday you will need each other, when i'm gone.
i think...i want to build a wall of protection around you to shield you from loss.

and, like most personal issues that i deal with, it all comes down to faith.
do i have faith in God's ways over my ideas?
do i really think that i can manage myself and my family so that, heaven forbid, i leave them early, it wouldn't hurt them as bad as it hurt my family when we lost our mother?
do i really want to wish away anything if it is part of god's allowance to mold my favorite people, his beloved children into men and women that please him?

so, there's some food for thought for you today....
and if, by chance, next time we are having lunch or hanging out at the park, i look at you with a blank stare when you want to exclaim about how you want your kids to be babies forever....you'll know that i'm not being a jerk, it's just that "i'm not like other children"... and you can just pat me on my little confused head.

my sisters.

{we really need some updated photos of the three of us.
this was two years ago.
but we have a sister's weekend coming up, so.....}

i have two sisters.

grace and valerie.

they are different, but they both have characteristics that completely remind me of my mom.

they both have been God's love to me at one time or another in these last years.

they have loved me.

they have needed me.

they have trusted me.

they have questioned my decisions.

they have each had a special roll in my life.

grace was 14 when we lost our mom.

she needed me and i really needed to try to help her.

i really needed do my part to help take care of her as best i could.

i was a few months away form giving birth to my first born son.

i was the newest of mothers.

she had just lost her mother.

that created a serious bond. through sisterly love and circumstances.

there is no way to describe what it did for me to have that bond with my sister in the months right after loosing our mother.

there is no way to describe the bond that was created between she and Jake, my newborn son.

the only thing i can think of is that it was not a worldly thing.

it was a blessing from Jesus' compassion and understanding of our pain.

He was comforting me, and gracie, too, i think.

i will never be the same.

gracie will always have a big chunk of my heart.

and that is all a result of my mom leaving this world for her home earlier than we thought.

( i must remember this. i must remember that God's ways aren't my ways)

{look at those sweet eyes! i can't even take it! i start to cry if i stare at um....i love  her so much.}

valerie came home from the middle of her time at college when my mom was clearly in her last chapter of her life.

she was the only sister who had spent time away from our area, thus far.

although that distance may pull on her heart, now.

i can see that it gave her a unique strength, that grace and i hadn't developed.

i think it was independence.

her independence has been a blessing and an example to me.

when hard family times have been hashed up (i know this happens to everyone) she has been clearheaded and wise.

when hearts had been broken and Cindie's family was lonely, Valerie didn't seem frazzled by trying to manage everyone, like i felt inclined to be.

i am not saying that everything was completely smooth for her, i am just saying that she had characteristics that i lacked and i looked to her example and was reminded of my mother.

it is hard to describe how it feels to have this girl on your team.

she's a fighter.

and she is very loyal.

yah, so you really want her on your side.

{i think we both look like our grandma betty in this photo, my little sis is so beautiful to me.
and if you are wondering who is older, the answer is the one with more wrinkles around the eyes....yep.}

so there you have it.

God's love was not lost because i lost my mother.

it was still (and still is) goin' strong.

valerie and gracie are his hands and heart and sassy come backs and honest questions and acts of kindness and loyal support and wise input and, and....well i could go on and on.

thank you GOD!

ps. to see all of my may mother's day tribute posts click here.

in honor of mother's day

it's may!
mother's day is almost here.

let me tell you why i love mother's day.

it's because my people know i get to take tons of pictures that day and they can't complain(well, i mean, they CAN, but i don't have to listen and then i make them stop since it's my special day)

the thing is, i am the mom around here.

so it gets to be about what i like to do.

let me tell you why mother's day stinks.

it's because i miss my mom.

i would, of course, share "my day" with her in a heart beat.

but, she's not here with me, and i don't like that.

do you wanta know how i have gotten through....8 mother's days without being torn apart by these two very different feelings waring in my heart?

i have taken a good look around me.

and do you know what i see?

love.

lots of love.

now, my mother was very special.

she listened to me,

she advised me,

she laughed a lot,

she gave me whatever she had,

she trusted me,

she needed me (a little),

she was a good example to me,

she admired my gifts,
she challenged my ideas,
she respected my choices,

she never ever left me,

she pushed me,

she loved me with all she had.

and guess what?

if those things are what God gave me in my mother, then she is not  really gone.

because God is still giving me those things.

in the beginning of my life, God loved me through my mom and dad.

that list above was His love for me.

and now there are other people who have taken over as God's instruments.

in honor of my mother, i will take the this month to honor those who have unknowingly filled her shoes in my life.

i will share, with you, some really great people that have blessed my life in the last few years.

these lovely friends may not know it, but they are walking in Cindie Laxson's size nine platform flip flops (remember when EVERYONE wore those?? ew.)

and that is one of the greatest compliments i can think of.

stay tuned.

am i a motherless daughter?

i am a motherless daughter.
i am a motherless daughter raising a daughter.
i don't feel like a motherless daughter.
i had a mother.
she loved me.

i can remember her eyes looking at me.
i can remember her disappointment when i let her down.
i  can remember her laughter and her mouth forming the words, "when did it happen that i have a daughter that is prettier than i am?"
i  can remember her face when she tried to explain to me how i had changed her forever.
how my birth changed her meaning in life.
how the day i started living was pure joy in her life.
i was so loved, by a really beautiful person.
who wasn't perfect,
but she was able to allow herself to be put aside and let that perfect love flow from her God and into her girl.
there were enough times that this happened for me to believe that that is who she really was.
it was enough.
so, in a way, i am not motherless.
i just got that lovely love for a certain time.
and now i just get to remember all that loveliness, and pour it out into my girl.
that's not too shabby.
i know many aren't as fortunate.

i want to share with you a letter my mom wrote to me on the day of my wedding shower about 11 years ago.
(just for your own reference, my mom's mother was killed in a car accident when my mom was 12 years old)

march 2000


i don't remember the day i actually became a Christian.
My wedding day was a happy blur.
But there are two days of my life that i remember with crystal clarity:
the day my mother died, and
the day you were born.
one was pure grief; one was pure joy.
and in many ways, the one day healed and redeemed the terrible other day.
Because, as Dr. Laura says, you get two chances in life to have a beautiful parent-child relationship:one is with your own parents- but if for some reason that doesn't work, or is cut short, you get a second chance- with your own children.
i praise Him over and over again for the wonderful joy of raising you, my darling daughter.
i love you, Shauna-
Mama

"i will wait on the Lord...
I will hope in Him.
Here am I and the children the Lord has given me!"
Isaiah 8:17-18

isn't that.....remarkable!?
that my mother wrote those words down on a piece of paper for me.
years before she had any hint of the story that would play out?
that shows me that those are not only her words, but my Father's as well.
He knew.
He showed me the kindness to inspire her to write those soothing words down so that i could hold them and ponder them and keep them close to me.
i am touched and i feel loved beyond measure.

i am hoping this post will touch the hearts of any of you that have also lost your mothers
or any who are faced with that heartbreak in the near future.
(there are a few who specifically come to mind, old friends and new)
be encouraged.
your Father is kind and compassionate.
look for Him.
He will find you in your hour of grief.
there is nothing too hard for Him.

victory.

this is my sister singing and leading her church in worship on March 20th.
her testimony is overwhelming.
her story is not my story to tell, but watch this video and be amazed that exactly 8 years before this video was taken, my sweet gracie's mom was taken away from her......for a while(until we meet again in heaven).
she was 14.
what the enemy meant for evil (our mother's cancer), God meant for good.
and when i look at her singing i think....victory.
how do ya like them apples you evil prowling lion?



Grace Laxson :: Special Music from Antioch Church on Vimeo.

immeasurably abundantly above....

8 years ago, today, my mom took her last breath of this imperfect, earthly air and then, i trust, awoke to her one true love.
it must have felt like she had been holding her breath and then suddenly exposed to that perfect heavenly air, she may have gasped it in....his face and the weight lifted....there is a part of me that longs for it as soon as possible.
but there is another that knows i am called to cherish these days that i have with those i love.....
today was a cherished day.
i went to church. (amazing)
i had lunch with my husband and kids. (so fun)
my husband brought me flowers. (smile)
my friend brought me hoop art and dessert. (um. double yum)
and my first born son-turned gentleman came with me to the point where my mom's ashes were scattered, in the ocean, all those years ago.
(remember i go every year? this was last year)
he came as my son.
and he came as my friend.
he wasn't needy.
he was generous.
my heart swells and my eyes fill just thinking of him.
before we left, i warned him that i might cry.
he said, "that's ok mom"
i told him i'd try not to be too embarrassing.
he said "don't worry about that, the other people will understand that you are missing your mom"
i told him that there probably wouldn't be anyone else there.
he said, "well, i won't mind"
what a friend.
what a son.
what a God.


here are some iphone photos from my perspective:

when i started to loose it, he kissed me on the head.
and said, "don't worry mom, at least you have a family"
be. still. my. heart.

and here are some iphone photos from the eyes of my jake:

he insisted on taking the below photo of the "mickeymouse" shaped rock combo for ella and ty...

"Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, 

according to the power that works in us,

 to Him be the glory.....throughout all ages."

Ephesians 3:20-21

{virtual coffee} and a good healthy cry

hi again.
i am linking up for {virtual coffee} with amy again...

if we were meeting for coffee, i grab a venti black iced tea(unsweetened) and a piece of pumpkin bread, since i need to make a new jug of jasmine tea and i just don't have time....

i wouldn't be alone.

i'd have my little(very talkative) shadow along  for the ride.

 i might even convince you to have our drinks to go and just strap the little princess in the car seat and get out for a ride....so that she can't destroy her room or change her clothes 27 more times today.

i would tell you that i almost canceled on you, but then i read Keely's post, and knew i couldn't hide from the call (it's loud and clear) to give myself, even when i don't really feel like it.

is that too much information?

i know you aren't asking me to do anything.

i just get kinda roller coastery about blogging lately.

sometimes it feels like a (self imposed) burden and sometimes it is the most freeing thing i do all day....

well, if Keely was at coffee, i'd probably start crying when she was sharing about her feelings about her mom.
and i'd probably feel ridiculous and rude for drawing attention to myself when it is her story, not mine.....
then i'd remember to listen to God's voice(saying "give!") and not my own insecurity and self consciousness...

so i'd chime in....
i'd tell her, and you, that i can remember the confusion and pain that came from seeing my mom change from her normal strong, take charge, healthy self, to a sick person.
it was life changing.
her physical and mental strength had been God's strength in my life.
and then.... it wasn't.
she had been my example of what a woman looked like, and then she was weak and barely surviving.
at times it was so much for my young, needy mind that i just wanted to look away from her.

picture taken in winter of 2003

it didn't seem possible.
my mom did not equal weakness.
so i had to begin, then, letting go of the woman who she had been.
it was hard to bond with the new one.
she was a constant reminder of my loss.

the thing that is so hard to think about is how much it was about me, in my mind.

i know that my mom must have been struggling everyday, to care for herself, to submit to the Lord, to let go of her identity as our caretaker, to not be pulled down by the pain.

and i opted to look away, at times....

as a grown up girl, that is very hard to look back on.

as a mother, i know that my mom may have been a bit relieved when i'd "look away" since i know that her own process of her body failing could only possibly be topped by seeing her childrens' worlds temporarily crumble and know that she most likely wouldn't be there to help them put it back together.

talk about faith.

the faith that held onto her must have been directly from the Lord.
the kind that is un-worldly and seems to come to us in these extreme circumstances.
(just to let you know, these sentences are coming slowly...this is hard to write)

there are more memories and times of learning and growth that are connected to the things i have just shared, but i don't want to get ahead of  myself....

so i'd stop myself, for now, and tell you thank you for listening, and then maybe change the subject.

i'd show you the banners that i am working on for Keely and Marilee and Dai....and myself.

i'd show you my new coca-cola ice bucket.

and my new purse(from the girls trip)

i'd ask what was happening with you....
and then maybe just drive in silence for a while, since i am exhausted from all this...communication.
see you next week, if i don't chicken out....
and either way you shouldn't forget to check out amy's {virtual coffee}

i am grateful for....

"maple leaves" (day 9)

ok. so it seems that many of you get fall at your house.

 by fall,  i mean colorful leaves and crisp air.

i don't.

but these maple leaf cookies almost make up for that.

almost.

but as i looked at this self portrait, i realized there are many unexpected things in it that i am thankful for.

the cookies, of course.

the color of my t-shirt.(target)

the fact that my nails look pretty good (thank you OPI gels)

my laugh lines (yah, you heard me right)

the fact that the dishes in the sink behind me are not stacked THAT high.

the way my momma stares right back at me in my eyes.

really.

to me, i look so much like her in this picture.

***************************************************

and while on the subject of my mom, i just want to share.

lately, my kids are getting to the age where i start to remember being that age.

and with that i start to remember my mom's mothering at that age.

i know this may seem kinda funny and specific,

 but since i will always be processing her early death, these are the things i think about.

before this, i just had a general feeling about my mom and how she mothered me.

i couldn't remember exact conversations that we had when i was my kids age, since they were very little.(and i don't have lots of memories that far back)

 my memories were more of a big picture.

she was always there.

she was my best friend.

she loved me.

she was sometimes frustrated.

she was working hard.

but, now my everyday experiences are triggering more specifics.

i remember not eating my lunch at school and her reaction.

and i now have my own boy with the same issue, and my memories and my reality merge,

only i'm now on the other side.

this is felt the most with Jake (my seven year old) right now, since i have more memories of that general age.

his frustration and my reactions, his helpfulness as the oldest child.

they are all things i can remember going through with my mom.

I am sure it will be a another level once my daughter reaches this spot.

i think i have mentioned before, that i have come to understand that even though my mom is not living in this world with me, right now, my relationship to her is still evolving. 

as i reach milestones in my life and witness them in my sister's and brother's lives, i come to understand her more and more.

much of it is speculation on how she must have felt when faced with _____, and sometimes i want to scream from just needing to ask her what she thought about these new(to me) challenges.

does any of this make sense?

i just needed to get it out, so if i seems to all over the place and confusing, just click away.

for now, i will continue to watch the memories of my childhood collide with the real time happenings of my children and try to remember the good reactions that my mom had and try to filter out her not so ideal reactions.

i can only hope my kids will have the grace to do the same for me someday.

and i am hoping i will be around to talk about and maybe even apologize for some of my imperfect mommying.

ps. my mom would HATE the no capitals and questionable spelling on the reed life, but other than that, she'd love it.

you can call her ella

have you been into pandora radio lately?
i have.
i just made a new station.
paul simon radio.
my momma would LOVE that.
he was her favorite.
well, i made that station today and the VERY first song came on.
you can call me al.
my booty started shakin' and i turned around to ella, doin' this....

oh...my...goodness

she is totally Cindie Lou!(the nickname for my mom)

look into her eyes on that middle left one.

mom.

serious paul simon shakin' goin' on.

gulp.

i won't loose it.

that would be two days in a row.

some crazy comparisons...

my mom /grace

me/ Ella bear

missing my mom.....

When my mom died I wondered how I'd be able to get through big life altering events, like my kids births and my birthdays and even Christmas without her.

I thought I may be so overwhelmed with my own heart ache that I may not enjoy those special days.

But this is what I have learned so far.....

That IS NOT when I am thinking about my loss.

At Christmas I am thinking about JESUS! and my family and stressing about presents and food and stuff, honestly what mother isn't.

On the days my children were born I was in PAIN for reasons besides my heart being lonely for my mom. And also I was OVERJOYED at my babies and my husband and our family that God has had grace to bless us with.....

For me the hardest times, the ones where my soul is heavy and I have a hole in my heart that is shaped like my mom, always sneak up on me. They are moments when my eyes are opened a little bit more to who my mom was in my life. When I get to know this woman who gave up so much for me and I realize who she was in a new way......my understanding of her, and the love she had for me just hits me.

I came downstairs, today, to my Ty.

Underwear on backwards.

Standing on the stool in front of the sink.

"Doing your dishes, mom!"

Smile on his face.

Proud as can be.

I love this person.

He was loving me by doing this.

How many times must my mom have felt this way about me?

This overwhelming unexplainable love?

These are the moments that I wish I could have just an hour with her to close this incomplete circle by looking her in the eye and knowing that she see's Ty on the stool and knows JUST how I feel.

Really no words would be nessessary.

Just thinking about this idea makes me want to go lay down for a good cry.....

I guess what I am longing for is Heaven.

Happy Mother's Day!

This is my mom.
Sunday will be my 7th mother's day without my mother to celebrate with.
It will also be my 7th mother's day AS a mother.
I have said it before and I will say it EVERY mother's day to come-
God has given me many women to fill that loss at different times-Gracie, Val, Bea, Leslie, Lois, Lena, Tasha, Trish, Celeste, Robin, Cindy, Penny(mom:), Aunt Shevawn, Aunt Bonnie, Katherine, Heather, Lisa, Gini, Erin, Marsha, I could go on and on with women that have blessed my life, in small and large ways, in my mom's stead.
Would I have been open to it and noticed it if she was here?
Not sure.
But my life is what God needs it to be to get my attention and constantly be turning my wayward heart back to Him.
Him who IS that love and kindness and mercy and loyalty and grace that mom gave me.
I miss my mom, Cynthia Maria Ramsey Laxson, but I think what I miss most about her is the way her mothering taught me about God. Her love wasn't perfect, but all the times it was good and beautiful and selfless and right were the times she allowed God's perfect love to flow right through that body and soul of hers and into her girl. I really get that now.
I wish I could have 3 minutes with her on Mother's day to look her right in the eye
and say,
"ok, i get it, now. being a mother.the consuming joy. the breathless pain. i see you. thank you."
that's it.
the rest can wait for eternity....well I guess it all can, but i am just sayin' that's what i wish....
a friend recently asked if it is hard for me to see friends with mothers that are still alive.
it's not.
it is hard for me to see people take those relationships for granted or even abuse those relationships. that's hard for me.
so this mother's day, give your mom a hug for me and be thankful that you are both alive.
And I will be thankful that I am alive and I have my children and that I have you.
Happy Mother's Day!

enjoy my playlist that is a sampling of my mom's favorite Paul Simon tunes.
my fav is the "call me Al" one that has Chevy Chase in the video- check that out!

I miss many things about my mom. One of the things that really just gets me sometimes is missing her body close to mine, her warmth.
I don't get that anymore.
But here is something I do get.....