not my finest moment...

these last few days have not been my best as a mother.
i think i don't do very well in the heat.

i mean, there is no excuse for being a meany, but still, we better not ever have to move to an actual hot place.
i might not make it.
so, just to be honest, i have had to apologize to each of my kids individually in the last few days for different over reactions.
we all have so much change going on right now, with school starting, and i know i need to be extra patient with them, so i can really feel tempted to beat myself up over my shortcomings in being their mother.
and i am trying to be patient...i'm just failing too.

the thing that is getting me through is my limited understanding of God's sovereignty in our family.
i mean it's a stretch for my little mind, but i do believe that he knows just what he's doing.
i know how to be a good mom.
i just sometimes  choose to be a baby instead.
i can see in my first born's eyes that i am putting too much on his shoulders.
but i still do it.
i know for a fact that ella didn't mean to throw her giant head back right into my mouth, giving me a fat lip while we were finishing up taking those photos below.
but i still yelled, "why did you do that!!?"
ugh! what's she supposed to say?
"because you are mean, mommy"
because that may be true.
instead she just runs into the house crying.
and jake just sits quietly shouldering too much responsibility for an 8 year old.
ok?
so you see?
i could go on and on.
but i ought not go on and on, because i see all of this happening.
it's not like i'm clueless.
i did those things.
and i can chose differently next time,
but there are still the mistakes that i've already made.
what about those?
i can nervously laugh and say that i hope that those aren't the memories that stay with them forever and ever....but i'm not exactly sure that's what God wants.
what if they are.

because there is another part of this story too.
the part where i lay on the floor in my boys' room, with the windows open (no AC for us yesterday because of all those power outages you probably heard about)
it was time to say prayers, and all i could do was have one of my own.
so with one little head on each side of mine, i asked God to forgive me for not being a great mom and told Him the things i was sorry for.
and without asking for it, or even opening my eyes i heard two small voices (in unison) speak out, "I forgive you, mom".
and there you have it.
the reed brothers forgave their mom.
that probably won't be the last time that is needed.
but maybe it will be the time they remember.

maybe forever and ever they will remember that their mom was super mean and impatient on the day that the power went out and while other kids did surprise dips in the pool and got to sweep their rooms in flashlight beams all night, they got to forgive her.
and go to sleep.

but maybe that is what they will need to remember someday. i don't know.
that's where i have to trust that sovereignty.
because if it was up to me, i might just manage their image of me.
i might just try to create a perfect memory.
but, who would that serve?
don't they need to know that i am an imperfect lady who needs forgiving too?
(now don't take this too far and think that i am just excusing everything with this, people, come on!)
i'm just trying to figure out what to do with my shame(besides apologize, which doesn't usually fix it inside me.).
i think trusting in God's idea for the story is what i can do with it.
because shame inevitably comes and i don't want to raise my kids covered and filled up with that either.
so, i'm trading my shame for the joy of the Lord.
he allowed me to audibly hear his forgiveness through my sons' little mouths, and that was a gift.
that may not happen every time i'm ashamed, so i will take it this time.
and be reminded that He see's me and has a plan.
a plan that is not me being a perfect person and mother and everyone staring and clapping.
(that idea sounds kinda horrible anyway...)
i think i'll go with his plan.
His plan.  not mine.
His joy comes from trusting His plan.
that's what i'm choosing.
right now.

(and this was it. down there.)

(i tried taking a picture of her feet and she whacked her head right into my face...
and the photo time was over.)