snacktime.

i am grateful for the time between when ella gets home from preschool and when i have to leave to pick up the boys from elementary school.

from 12:30-1:45.

i call it snacktime.

ella has a lot of words.

she tells me....a lot about her day while we eat snacks.

she tells me other stuff, too.

she tells me lots of stuff that makes no sense to me.

she asks a lot of questions about things that can't be answered. 

ex: "why did God make the color blue, mom?"

and i mean a lot of those.

and although sometimes i actually have to take a few advil to get through all the questions, i am so grateful for our time.

even when i'm tired, i can feel it's value.

for both of us.

this might seem a bit strange to share,
(then again, this whole blogging thing is kinda crazy)
but if i'm honest, i can't really picture living past my forties.
my mom didn't.
her mom didn't.
even my dad's mom, grandma betty passed away in her 60s.
i'm not saying i'm superstitious, i just have a hard time picturing getting very old since i haven't seen it, in the women in my family.
there are times when i can get a bit overwhelmed with fear.
fear of what will happen to my children if i'm not here anymore.
and if you've had any experience with fear (um. haven't we all?),
you know it's not very rational and can get a bit out of control.

just today, i was dropping my kids off at church and meeting reedo in the second row (where we always sit).
as i was doing this, i felt dizzy, like i needed to sit down, maybe 4 different times.
and then i realized that had happened once when i was getting ready at home too.
and i sat there with the worship music all around me.
loud voices singing about how "Your love never fails...there may be pain in the night, but joy come with the morning" and my active imagination was letting fear make up crazy stories about why i was dizzy, in my mind.
i had to have self control over that, big time if i wanted to be able to calm down and listen to the service.

so, i'm telling you that i get freaked out often.
and in a way that i can see is plain and simple fear.
my brain can be rational.
my faith can even calmly tap me on the shoulder, trying for my attention.
but sometimes fear just wins.
for a time.

then i start thinking about things..... like the hour and fifteen minutes that i have with ella for snacks.
i start to remember that i can make a difference with her.
no matter how long my life is.
because the thing is, no one can say to me, "oh...stop it! you'll be fine! you'll live till you're 90!"
no one knows those things.
and i have to take comfort and be calm in things that are true.
the truth is i don't know which day is my last.
i have to live like today is.
i have soak up the time i have to answer three hundred and twenty seven more questions today....
i have to listen to the faith that waits patiently for me to turn and give it my full attention.
do i believe that God's plan for my life story is better than mine?
yes.
end of story.