i'm going with that, a leap of faith

my life has never been this full.
this recent shift in my jobs, where, already seemingly busy, i've taken on yet another role with my children is breathtakingly....full.
i wake up each morning and spend every waking hour with my children.
i give them every meal, i teach them to take care of what we have, i teach them to take care of their bodies, i teach them their school work, i teach them to treat each other with kindness, i teach them how to manage their time.....all day. everyday.
those of you who still send your children off and miss them while they are gone for 6 or 7 hours, 
you have a different can of worms, but this is mine.
it is lovely in it's way.
as lovely as a can of worms can be.
but it is truly all i can manage.
it's a struggle to do any "me things".
and it feels right to just stop struggling and let that go for now.
it seems completely off priority to think about making many friends.
i look at other ladies who fit in those things and its hard to imagine being there.
i have my jobs, i have my children, i have my husband, and i have my slowly becoming neglected friendships with my close friends and sisters and i can barely even do this.

 this chapter is temporary, i know.
which keeps me from panicking,
from worrying too much about all the things that surely i should be striving for.

it feels like faith
to keep leaning in to something that on paper doesn't seem to add up.
to just trust that my needs will be provided for.
even when i can't really imagine what that might look like.
to believe that i am seen, right here, in this unique place and provisions are being made for my life.
that i am special to someone.

 some of you may hear my words and see my place and remember what it was like back when, and sigh with nostalgia and a little understanding
some may be mystified
still, some have even told me that they could not do what i am doing
that they are not cut out for....
homeschooling, being a parent, picking up and moving far away
and to you i say, "neither am i"

i'm just doing it.
i'm leaning into something that doesn't seem to add up
i'm not cut out for this.

at times i am in awe of the beauty of this great, painfully beautiful responsibility.
and other times i just wish to hide. 
to get a break.
 to have my mommy come and take over my job so i can be a babygirl  just one more time.

one thing i do know is that i"ll wake up a few hours from now and help my kids build a fort that they can listen to their audiobook of "the hobbit" in, and i will do some laundry, and i will wait for reedo to return from his business trip, and i will debate with myself whether or not it's worth it to apply eyeliner when no one but i really notice it, i will do some dishes, and i will pick up 52 things left on the ground or out of place, and maybe plant some flowers while the kids ride their bikes in the front yard.
and my day will fly by, and i'll wonder what i even did.
and i'll just have to trust that that little non-eventful saturday will be added to others like it as well as the hundreds of other days and weeks and years and that it will mean something to someone.
yep, i'm going with that.


10 on 10












a tiny list of gratefulness

tonight, as i reflect on my day, i am grateful.
it was a good day.
tuesdays usually are, since they are my day that i get a few hours to myself.
i feel a little embarrassed at how much i enjoy my own company.
is that just so obnoxious?
i mean, i'm never REALLY alone.
so maybe i justbfeel a little less scattered and able to really think and listen to the Lord in my heart when i'm on my own.
so anyway, as i drove around form chore to chore, first dropping my sewing machine to be serviced (they quoted me $169.00 for a full service!!??? is that normal?!) 
then to walmart for some grocery and birthday shopping 
i was just felt like there were some things to inventory that i need to be grateful for.
things that i now realize are not a "given"

 1. i am thankful for the opportunity to teach my kids to clean

 2. i am thankful for browned butter chocolate chip cookies

 3. i am thankful for how we are all growing together, painful or not.

 4. i am thankful for how they can be "little" together.
 5. i am thankful for ALL the time i am gettting with my children during the day.

 6. i am thankful for jake's leadership.

 7. i am thankful for swimsuit weather all year round.

 8. i am thankful that ella and i are getting some time, just us this month while the boys do a football clinic. so needed.

 9. i am thankful for ty's consistant good attitude. it is a gift to me.

 10. i am thankful that he is not too big for his daddy's old cabbage patch kid, rather he is thrilled to have it passed down.
 11. i am thankful for brazillian lemonade.

12. i am thankful for his brain. he is really smart. the detail he retains is almost scary.

 13. i am thankful for my own tiny little daffodils, right here in "paradise".

14. i am thankful for my husband. he is the only friend that i got to take with me into this new life, and i am grateful to not be alone.