{virtual coffee} and a good healthy cry

hi again.
i am linking up for {virtual coffee} with amy again...

if we were meeting for coffee, i grab a venti black iced tea(unsweetened) and a piece of pumpkin bread, since i need to make a new jug of jasmine tea and i just don't have time....

i wouldn't be alone.

i'd have my little(very talkative) shadow along  for the ride.

 i might even convince you to have our drinks to go and just strap the little princess in the car seat and get out for a ride....so that she can't destroy her room or change her clothes 27 more times today.

i would tell you that i almost canceled on you, but then i read Keely's post, and knew i couldn't hide from the call (it's loud and clear) to give myself, even when i don't really feel like it.

is that too much information?

i know you aren't asking me to do anything.

i just get kinda roller coastery about blogging lately.

sometimes it feels like a (self imposed) burden and sometimes it is the most freeing thing i do all day....

well, if Keely was at coffee, i'd probably start crying when she was sharing about her feelings about her mom.
and i'd probably feel ridiculous and rude for drawing attention to myself when it is her story, not mine.....
then i'd remember to listen to God's voice(saying "give!") and not my own insecurity and self consciousness...

so i'd chime in....
i'd tell her, and you, that i can remember the confusion and pain that came from seeing my mom change from her normal strong, take charge, healthy self, to a sick person.
it was life changing.
her physical and mental strength had been God's strength in my life.
and then.... it wasn't.
she had been my example of what a woman looked like, and then she was weak and barely surviving.
at times it was so much for my young, needy mind that i just wanted to look away from her.

picture taken in winter of 2003

it didn't seem possible.
my mom did not equal weakness.
so i had to begin, then, letting go of the woman who she had been.
it was hard to bond with the new one.
she was a constant reminder of my loss.

the thing that is so hard to think about is how much it was about me, in my mind.

i know that my mom must have been struggling everyday, to care for herself, to submit to the Lord, to let go of her identity as our caretaker, to not be pulled down by the pain.

and i opted to look away, at times....

as a grown up girl, that is very hard to look back on.

as a mother, i know that my mom may have been a bit relieved when i'd "look away" since i know that her own process of her body failing could only possibly be topped by seeing her childrens' worlds temporarily crumble and know that she most likely wouldn't be there to help them put it back together.

talk about faith.

the faith that held onto her must have been directly from the Lord.
the kind that is un-worldly and seems to come to us in these extreme circumstances.
(just to let you know, these sentences are coming slowly...this is hard to write)

there are more memories and times of learning and growth that are connected to the things i have just shared, but i don't want to get ahead of  myself....

so i'd stop myself, for now, and tell you thank you for listening, and then maybe change the subject.

i'd show you the banners that i am working on for Keely and Marilee and Dai....and myself.

i'd show you my new coca-cola ice bucket.

and my new purse(from the girls trip)

i'd ask what was happening with you....
and then maybe just drive in silence for a while, since i am exhausted from all this...communication.
see you next week, if i don't chicken out....
and either way you shouldn't forget to check out amy's {virtual coffee}