i am grateful for the time between when ella gets home from preschool and when i have to leave to pick up the boys from elementary school.
from 12:30-1:45.
i call it snacktime.
ella has a lot of words.
she tells me....a lot about her day while we eat snacks.
she tells me other stuff, too.
she tells me lots of stuff that makes no sense to me.
she asks a lot of questions about things that can't be answered. 
ex: "why did God make the color blue, mom?"
and i mean a lot of those.
and although sometimes i actually have to take a few advil to get through all the questions, i am so grateful for our time.
even when i'm tired, i can feel it's value.
for both of us.

this might seem a bit strange to share,
(then again, this whole blogging thing is kinda crazy)
but if i'm honest, i can't really picture living past my forties.
my mom didn't.
her mom didn't.
even my dad's mom, grandma betty passed away in her 60s.
i'm not saying i'm superstitious, i just have a hard time picturing getting very old since i haven't seen it, in the women in my family.
there are times when i can get a bit overwhelmed with fear.
fear of what will happen to my children if i'm not here anymore.
and if you've had any experience with fear (um. haven't we all?),
you know it's not very rational and can get a bit out of control.

just today, i was dropping my kids off at church and meeting reedo in the second row (where we always sit).
as i was doing this, i felt dizzy, like i needed to sit down, maybe 4 different times.
and then i realized that had happened once when i was getting ready at home too.
and i sat there with the worship music all around me.
loud voices singing about how "Your love never fails...there may be pain in the night, but joy come with the morning" and my active imagination was letting fear make up crazy stories about why i was dizzy, in my mind.
i had to have self control over that, big time if i wanted to be able to calm down and listen to the service.

so, i'm telling you that i get freaked out often.
and in a way that i can see is plain and simple fear.
my brain can be rational.
my faith can even calmly tap me on the shoulder, trying for my attention.
but sometimes fear just wins.
for a time.

then i start thinking about things..... like the hour and fifteen minutes that i have with ella for snacks.
i start to remember that i can make a difference with her.
no matter how long my life is.
because the thing is, no one can say to me, "oh...stop it! you'll be fine! you'll live till you're 90!"
no one knows those things.
and i have to take comfort and be calm in things that are true.
the truth is i don't know which day is my last.
i have to live like today is.
i have soak up the time i have to answer three hundred and twenty seven more questions today....
i have to listen to the faith that waits patiently for me to turn and give it my full attention.
do i believe that God's plan for my life story is better than mine?
end of story.



  1. this was so raw and genuine and so so beautiful to read your heart. i love your honesty in your blog. totally unfiltered. i actually had some of those thoughts in my early 20s...about not being able to see myself live past 40 or so...it just wasn't in my cards...or so it felt. i can still feel that way from time to time...have a hard time imagining that far ahead. but who knows (God does!). i don't know that it's fear, for me...because i don't really feel scared about it...it's just sort of felt more real for me that i wouldn't live to be really old...than the other way around. i feel more fear these days about that feeling because of my boy...more to lose. but in a way, i'm grateful that it makes me the love the heck out of him ever more. you are an incredible mother to your babies...it's absolutely inspiring and beautiful to watch (even if it's virtually).
    love you.

  2. This is so beautiful. My husband and I often talk about how old age is not guaranteed. Keep treasuring those moments with your children!

  3. I cannot believe I just opened your blog and read this, it was exactly what I needed to hear. To be reminded of.

    Enjoy those moments with Ella. Hold onto them. They are special and so are you.

    Leanne xo

    PS - you might live until you are 90, but how wonderful will your memories be that you lived in each moment and did not wait for the next hurdle before you enjoyed these moments.

  4. Thanks for sharing, Shauna. Beautifully written and a timely reminder. xo

  5. So so true to take the moments God gives us to use for His glory. Like snack time. Thank you for the reminder. I need that on a Monday morning when I forgot to change my clock last night!

  6. love your words today. i sorta long for a snack time with a question-asker. i should borrow her once in a while, for the days you're out of good answers.

  7. I hope you live a very long, old, 90 year old life and are there to tell stories to your great-grandchildren, but you are right, even if you don't, you can leave your imprint, your heart, what you want them to know....


  8. your honesty and transparency are always a blessing to me. thank you.