{virtually} spent

hi friends.

i am spent.
i wish we were having coffee/tea right now.....on a big comfy couch....with peaceful music playing...will you hate me if i dose off for a while?
if we were in my little coffee time fantasy, i'd tell you that when it rains, it pours, and i just have so much emotional stuff on my heart right now.
a lot i can't really share since it isn't just my stuff and i can't just spill other people's business around.

but i will say this:
this weekend i had 2 heated family "discussions" both of which the other person was not happy with me. (exhausting!)

i also took jake, my oldest, to pack food bags for haiti and it was our first official church ministry time together. it really opened up the horizon, in my mind, for a new phase. where i am not chasing and picking up children, but where i am shepherding them in a different way.
I saw his servants heart and it touched me so much to think about getting to this "non-baby" phase where we can reach outside our family and be blessed in serving instead of managing a gaggle of small children all the time...can i get an amen?
 are following me here?

i have had the divorce of a family that has had a large part in my life burdening my soul.
i can't explain it.
their pain just sits in my heart, throbbing.
it's not my business.
but it hurts.

this week of the march, every year, i get a little too preoccupied with what was happening on the last week my mom was alive. she was so sick.  in some ways, it was the last week of my childhood.
i remember that she was having lots of different treatments and so she'd be on medications sometimes and that'd make her kinda out of it and loopy and even sorta funny sometimes. i came over to her house and went into her room and she acting like that and i chatted with her and came out snickering at her and asking my dad, "is she on a new medication? she seems super out of it..." and he looked sad and kinda like a deer caught in the headlights. he said to me,"honey, this  is getting near the end. that is what happens..."
i felt like someone kicked me in the stomach.....i was laughing.
i sat down and cried and cried and i think everyone was shocked since i hadn't been much of a crier until then....i remember there were people around...my dad and....my aunt and uncle? my sisters and brother? i don't know.
that is just a memory that won't go away.
and i will be driving or walking around my life and look up and realize that this year is nothing like that nightmare...it just makes me feeling doing the super ugly "snot pouring out" crying...
i just want to be alone for that.

ty keeps coming home from school and telling me different things that his friend does "on accident" that he doesn't like. like grab his yogurt and spill it all over or yell at him...nothing that is hideous, but still my radar is up for it turning into a stressful situation. i really like the mom. i don't want to go there...but i may have to say something. i already have once. arg.

so, as you can see, i am kinda a head case right now.
maybe you should be glad that our coffee date is {virtual}, so that you can avoid the snot bubbles.
ya, i think you should.

let me end on a good note, though.
look at this!!!!
i seriously love it.
(PS. thank you SO much for all your encouragement on ella's room in general!
you guys are getting me through a rough couple days!)

the words on the lamp are inspired by this passage from (you guessed it) "the jesus story book bible":

"God spoke. 
That's all. 
 And whatever he said, it happened.
God said, "Hello light! and light shone into the darkness. 
 God called the light, "Day" and the darkness, "Night."
"You're good," God said.  
And they were..."

need i say more?
God made light?
i think he's got a good grip on my life.
i know he has a handle on yours too.
thanks for {virtually}listening.
i am joining ( a little late) with Amy's {virtual coffee} today...


  1. me toooo. juggling lots. brain is mush. feel you, girl. praying for you.

  2. big virtual hug right now....I hope your week ends better than it started...


  3. virtual hugs, for sure. Praying for you....your post made me tear up...I was feeling the emotion from you.
    p.s. LOVE the lamp shade!!! Did you make that?!?!

  4. Oh Shauna, I am sorry you are having such a rough time right now, I can totally see why this time of year brings all of that all back to you. I wish we were meeting for real coffee because I would do the ugly cry with you and then by you cupcakes and take your kids to the park for you so you could go home and woller around in bed all day. We all have these days, hang in there mama! XO
    And the lamp is awesome, love it!

  5. you are so precious. i just love your heart. we think a lot alike, sister.

  6. hard times are so not fun, i will be praying for you my friend.
    on the up side that lamp is so so cute! you are one creative lady!

  7. me too.
    me too.
    me too.
    life is kicking me when i am down this week.

    here is to virtual coffee and virtual hugs on pretend comfy couches with tears.

  8. Girl I am feeling you, snot bubbles and all. One week I'm up, one week I'm down. I have 7 siblings, my hubs comes from a divorced family and has 5 siblings. I love my family dearly, but we have some form of drama happening all the time and my heart hurts, and my heart is tired, and I have learned I have to give it to the Father. Praying weight is lifted, wisdom is poured in and mercy abounds.

  9. Oh my gosh it must be one of those weeks for many of us. Monday night I was so down I just ended up crying out to God saying "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?! Why do I feel so alone?" And then it hit me:thats exactly where I was supposed to be. He was teaching me to lean on Him and stop looking at all the trouble around me, all the disappointments. I had a good long cry-my-eyes out session with Him and needed to just get it all out.
    Im praying for you right now. For all of us that seem to be going through a hard week.

  10. My heart is heavy for you. I'm sorry so much is weighing on you. So much I can relate to, but some I can't. All of it,though, I can pray for. And that is one of the beautiful things of the body of Christ.

  11. Oh, I'm sorry you're going through such a heavy time. I hope things clear up soon.

    In the meantime, I love your photos! They're beautiful. And maybe, instead of intervening on his behalf, you can find a way to help Ty speak up to his friend himself. Just a thought. Hope it all works out, however you decide to handle it.

  12. I can understand! I was just telling a friend that I have been so moody lately and just wished I could feel even. I will pray for you! Ella's room is adorable! Good job!

  13. muchos, muchos hugs to you. i've been in the same kind of funk as of late. just struggling with lots of burdens, my own and the burdens of close friends and family. it's so tough. i'm so sorry you've been feeling so down. wish we were having 'real' coffee together so we could cry together. sometimes those ugly cries are so therapeutic! i don't do it often enough. thinking about you and your issues and sending up a little prayer for you. hang in there... God is ever good!!

  14. All my love to you! I can sort of understand after losing a brother, but nothing is like losing a mother. Also, being in ministry I find my heard is constantly burdened if not breaking for others - so my heart goes out to you sooooo much. Hang in there. xoxox

  15. Have no fear friend, the snot bubbles are a good true note to end on. You can leave me right there. I will still come back for more.

    I wanted to tell you that I'm so proud and giddy to see your first 4 pictures today. They are so beautiful and brave. And the flowers and the LIGHT. I love that they are what you see. I love the new world of subject matter.

  16. a friend's divorce can tear you up. our best friends divorced in july and it wrecked my heart for awhile. i cried over it like it was my own marriage.

    i pray the Lord's presence with you as you walk through this time of year remembering your mother.